Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
