nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
