We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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