Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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