ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
