He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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