As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
