i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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