Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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