I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Randomize
