His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
