that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
