just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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