now i know why i became what i already was.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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