every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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