My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
