Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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