my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
