turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
