i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize