i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
