i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I love you. Go after that dick
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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