If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
