Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
