Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
