You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
