I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
