I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This toilet bowl is my home.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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