I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We talked him into tasing himself.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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