You smell like a Billy Joel song
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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