I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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