I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
