Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
