Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize