I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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