I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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