Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
