I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
