one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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