some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
