She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
