you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
