On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
