Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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