I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
