I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
