In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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