Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I understand Curling. That high.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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