Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
