Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So gin and wine won't be happening again
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
