I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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