Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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