i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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