i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
