I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
zippers are such a cool invention
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize