Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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