she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
