i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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