my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
