her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize