i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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