I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
