My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
