i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize