She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
