Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Randomize
