dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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