I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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