the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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