he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
we're making bets on your personal life
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Randomize
