We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
