I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I can text with my tongue
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
